Mom had psychological issues, so I guess it’s genetic. The same problems plague me and I feel pathetic. Everyone around me just thinks I’m dramatic. I feel so alone and it’s not the first time I’ve said it. I wish everyone wouldn’t hand out pity and be so apologetic.

I don’t know how much longer I can keep all mom’s demons out. Panic and anxiety attacks keep me so weak now. I feel like I’m losing it and should turn the lights out. I know I’ve been hurting ones I love, this is not what I’m about. I need to heal, fix the constant anger, but I don’t know if I can or even know how.

I try so hard to grow up and fix all of my mistakes. But I’m seeing now that an apology isn’t all it’s going to take. I’ve see the error in my choices and I feel like I am just a fake. Consumed by the depression that I just can’t seem to shake. If I don’t find a fix it’ll put my life at stake. Im bending from the tension and eventually I know I’m bound to break.

I feel like I’m already completely screwed. And anymore, I can’t get out of this bitch miserable mood. My life is spiraling out of control, it’s going to end up coming unglued. All my dreams are gone I once sought out to pursue. As my luck gets worse, my self-esteem keeps getting more and more skewed.

This is a mess I have personally made. I can’t begin to try fixing it because I always feel too afraid. I’ve gave up hope entirely, and gotten so dismayed. My world has been the price Ive paid.

I am better than this and I know it’s not right. I make excuses for myself and even pretend I tried. My strength fades and then dwindles inside. Then I look for somewhere dark to hide. Sleepless nights awake have always had my hands tied.

If I don’t get help, I’m going to die like this. I got distracted and my life turned into a mess. I can’t even complain because I know that I’m blessed. So tell me, how do I get this off my chest.

Earlier today I was talking with a dear friend of mine who has struggled with depression for a while now. In the midst of our conversation, I just felt this intense urge come over me to write. This poem is for my friend. It’s a look in the mirror through my lenses. How I see my kind friend and how impactful his friendship has been on my life.

Nathan

Nathan you’re so much more than just a failure or bother. Being afforded the opportunity to know you has truly been an honor. I know waking up each day is starting to get a lot harder. Just know I’ll always be here for you in one some way or another. You gotta let me at least help ease the stress you’re under. All this weight alone is way too much for one person to harbor. I understand your depression became your scariest monster. I have one too, my monster taught me what it means to suffer. Too many times I’ve been staring down the barrel of a revolver. I can’t count the times pills were my only anchor. Not even brave enough to overdose, i was just an imposter. I was a fucked up, buzzed liar. A broken fracture of a splinter. A selfish imperfect daughter of Mother Nature. In the end, I couldn’t bring myself to pull the trigger. My life was on the line, I was blinded to the danger. I let go of my temper and survived to find my answer. The scars began to heal and then my heart grew tender. Life is more than you and me, everyone should matter. Selfish pity makes up worldwide movers. If I could I’d prove to you the future gets sweeter. All I can say is life only has one timer. Once the clock runs up, fate belongs to the Creator. Destiny takes you, in the night like a stranger. You gotta take the time to look at the man in the mirror. The man looking at me is a kind, compassionate creature. It’s not my Nathan you see, no that man is just bitter. The Nathan I know, he’s not that quitter. No, that man in the mirror, that man is just bitter. He lives in your head, feeding off laughter. The man I know, he lets go of his anger. My Nathan is somewhere , he’s just been quiet as a whisper. But he will show up soon, he’s just been lost in his anger. But I swear to you, he’s a natural born leader. I promise you Nathan, this isn’t all life has to offer. Just try to keep fighting, a little bit longer. I know fighting is near impossible, but it’s making you stronger. Just give it to God, lay it down at the alter. Obstacles pass, then the future is brighter. This isn’t the end, just one little chapter. Nathan, I just wanna say I couldn’t be prouder. To call you a dear friend, has made life better. Until it does, we will work on it together.

Dear Papaw, Life is hard since you died, I’m just trying to make it through. You taught me so much growing up, I just want to say thank you. You showed me my wings and then I flew.

Getting by without you is like living a bad dream, I wish I could wake up. I can’t cope with how it broke me, it took you from me and I took that so tough. I gtry to see the good in my days, but there never seems to be enough.

I was still a little girl when the diagnosis lessened life’s quality. Multiple Sclerosis took a toll on our whole family. It diminished health and stole you away so quickly. It destroyed my entire mentality.

Paralysis took control of your body, but you always put on a smile and bravely fought. You kept your kind heart and never lost your faith in God. The things you went threw, made my stomach knot.

Even though I was a child, I knew it was an illness that wasn’t curable.You taught me to always see the good and be grateful. Life has been cruel since you passed, and so painful. You’re illness showed that life is so fragile. I couldn’t find my way through if you wasn’t my guardian angel.

I remember you driving me up and down the hall on your scooter. I even remember you and I playing Outlaws on your desktop computer. I was so attached, I’d never known a love that was truer.

“Doodle” was what you called me since I could crawl. Sitting in your lap cranking the window open and closed was a ball. Old western movies and popcorn was our favorite thing of all. Sometimes we’d even work a puzzle or draw.

Eventually you got worse and become bed ridden.
I’d crawl in beside you, and we’d watch NBA on television. You’d sneak us the big black licorice jelly beans, we made it our special tradition. When I was upset you’d hand me a few and say they were our medicine. When I got older, I’d even help check your sugar and give you your insulin.

I’m still trying to be someone you will be proud of.
I know somewhere deep down you’re watching over all of us from above. You showed me what it’s like to feel unconditional love. You made sure I always knew I was enough.

I still dream of being just like you. But I realized, I should be me, which is okay too. The little things are almost too much for me to get through. I give up in anger and just come unglued. I wish I knew all the things you once knew.

You lived with the burden of paralysis and disease. And somehow you never let it take your peace. You knew with each passing day, your life held no guarantees. Fifteen long years you held onto your beliefs.

I wish we would have had so much more time with each other. Without you I feel so alone and so much colder. I wish I knew how to find my own closure. Wanting just one more conversation with you weighs heavy on my shoulder. It gotten much harder each year I get older.

You brought out all the good inside of me. You knew exactly who I was meant to be. You opened my eyes and taught me to truly see. You inspired me, unlocked my heart and set my spirit free.

I wish you’d never had a terminal diagnosis. It took over with the most unfair and cruel slowness. You were just gone without even a notice. You were stolen from me and now I hate Multiple Sclerosis.

Reaction is automatic
Option becomes mechanic
Pixelated robot, holographic
Computed means asymptomatic

Numbers coded for function
Patterns and shapes ensure production
Performance due to precise instruction
Purpose carried to completion

Machine that’s inanimate
Electronically inhabited
A system that’s far more adequate
Results far more accurate

Less and less mistake
When one image defines make
Exact same output as intake
Indifferent never to awake

drowning the pain to hide my scars
finding my mind stays locked behind bars
keeping my feelings on shelves inside jars
wishing to be home as one with the stars

running away from emotions that stray
finding no comfort in this place I stay
hiding from life, faking happy each day
can’t escape all the sick games I play

feeling like I’m asleep at the wheel
drugs seem to numb me so that helps me feel
fixing what’s broken and helping hurt heal
what is my problem, what is my deal?

all I need is relief in my head
time passes on while I hang by a thread
finding no cure til I’m long past dead
so I guess there’s not much that’s left to be said

never be free of all my self hate
I might find a cure, but it’ll come far too late
my sanity a victim of a sick mental state
and that fact alone makes dying my only fate

time and time again
I cut myself with blades from my past.

time and time again
my mind slips under all to fast.

time and time again
I hate the heartbeat beneath my skin

time and time again
this mind game I just cannot win.

time and time again
I look for ways to be able to stay

time and time again
the drugs take my mind faraway.

time and time again
I wish I found peace in a friend

time and time again
I find there’s only having to pretend.

time and time again
I feel my illness is life’s sentence

time and time again
this guilt rules my whole existence

time and time again
I find that being is only because I’m no quitter

time and time again
I just feel so mad and bitter.

time and time again
I hate myself for staying here

time and time again
I won’t end it for feeling fear.

time and time again
I lock myself inside my room

time and time again
I find my mind drown in my doom.

time and time again
I have hope for a little while

time and time again
reality reminds me, takes my smile.

time and time again
this is my harsh, violent truth

time and time again
I blame it on the tears of my youth.

time and time again
this is my destined dying end.

Let’s call him depression the demon
The demon that wont let me be a freeman
his words cut deep, they make me bleed, and let the poison seap in.

He holds me in his arms cuddling me dear
while whispering tearable things in my ear
Words that feed my growing fear

“you’re worthless, nothing, you know that right? But you’d better not cry your tears tonight
for kill you one day I just might.”

I know it’s a toxic relationship but I cannot let go of him
It’s just too nice to let him win
to watch him crawl beneath my skin
and see the webs through thoughts he’ll spin.

There was a flame in you and I.
That I tried my best to keep alive.
It burned up fast and almost died.
Somehow I found fuel to keep it alive.
That flame then took me, I burnt up in lies.
It managed not to keep us alive.

That flame I held onto for far to long.
I could not keep fanning it on my own.
The flame it faked how it was strong.
In the end I found I was always wrong.
Misplaced trust has become all I’ve known.
You’d think by now I’d realize and grown.

That flame now just a useless memory.
It’s long dead burnt up wasted energy.
It showed me love is nothing but stupidity.
Alone I’ll live in peace and tranquility.
That flame took all that I am in treachery.
I know now flames burn up everything.

What’s it like to feel alive?
Breathing is living even if your dead inside.

What does it mean to even exist?
Being part of a system even though you resist.

What happens if you don’t feel a thing?
Your future hangs itself by a single frayed string.

What does your mark make on this earth?
Nothing when you have no sense of self worth.

What do you do when life gives you no choice?
You drown in your pain while you drown out the noise.

How do you know when you’ve had enough?
You break from the weight as it gets more rough.

Where is all the love and support people offered?
It’s lost in judgement and wont push you forward.

Is there really a bigger meaning?
Dark means home when your mind is screaming.

Is wishing for dead really even that numbing?
You realize your devil and demons are still coming.

Has the fear become all you can feel?
You observe your life like you’re not even real.

What’s it like to actually be somewhat okay?
I hope I find the answer to these questions one day.

Here’s a letter for you mother,
It’s written by me and my little brother.
I just want to tell you we’d have chosen another.
All you did to us only made us tougher.

Mother we still love you even in hate.
Abandoning us as kids forced both our fate.
But one thing we know, we’d been worse had you stayed.

Mother we grew up and had to face our issues.
The horror you showed us now only continues.
We question everything, even our values.
You are responsible our necks found the noose.

Mother your illness was a gift from birth.
We don’t even know how to find life’s worth.
Mental problems and addiction we’ve endured.
For our meaning and purpose you left obscured.

Mother you told us demons lived inside us.
We were kids that were scared, blinded by your trust.
You locked us outside at the first sign we’d fuss.
Dad staying on the road was only a plus.

Mother just know we finally grew older.
Now as adults, your abuse still weighs on our shoulders.
All your wrong and neglect found we were it’s owners.
War you waged in our childhood enlists us as soldiers.

Mother it’s fine, I made sure we were raised.
I promised my brother our life wasn’t a total waste.
For me it was hard as I struggled all I faced.
The responsibility bestowed me was very misplaced.

Mother you weren’t like this with our sister.
That alone in itself is probably why we’re still bitter.
We’re crawling through life now, for I raised no quitters.
Reflecting on trauma in smoke clouded mirrors.

I dance to beats I hear inside my head
Borderline splitting keeps me on the edge
Manic as hell from a mind that’s misled
Narcissistic tendencies to life I pledge

I see people and want to hide
PTSD is what turned off the light
Childhood trauma makes for a hell of a ride
All the abuse has locked up my fight

I get angry and catch on fire
Intermittent explosion burns flames brighter
Trust issues keep saying love is a liar
While panic attacks keep winding me tighter

I feel safe in what I know
Abandonment issues took my home
Out of violence my childhood had to grow
Paranoia kidnapped sanity, left my mind to roam

I feel good when I numb the pain
Drug addiction stole identity and my name
Relapse kept me numb inside feeling insane
Hating myself showed truth in life being a game

I feel good when I feel hollow
Suicidal tendencies fuel my ego
Anger un-chokes me and helps me swallow
Chasing death to the limit is a good placebo

I keep hoping to find a fix for my mind
I feel like there’s only so much time
I don’t know what I’m even searching to find
I just pray to God I’ll find peace in my prime

I reflect on actions of my past
seeing mistakes I made going too fast

the future it’s unsure of that I am certain
sit down for the show, as I draw back the curtain

soon I will show you the dark thoughts in my head
you’ll draw back in terror and wish you were dead

The entertainment that I’ll provide you
Will become a haunting you wish you never knew

It will posses and rule over all of your being
A feeling to take over you til you stop breathing

Then when you search for peace in freedom
You find that a demon has took all your reason

Your mind like mine will be jailed and enslaved
With too big a price to ever hope to be saved

Thoughts without choice have the most power
Then hope turns dark and you let it devour

Here’s some relief, I’ll give you a bit of faith
The escape from here is to be not culturally made

Find sanity in your individual identity
Refrain from falling to governed unanimity

Humanity has become the deadly infection
Conformed to follow the masses instruction

When you refuse influence and find autonomy
That’s when they try cutting down your mutiny

as above , so below
isn’t this how all things go
as within, so without
like the words from your mouth
as the universe, so the soul
it’s the circle of life, it what makes us whole.
of this comes our origin,the law driving totality
isn’t it something, to find truth in duality?

what comes up must come down
like when a smile turns into a frown
like how a person lives to die
or why we wonder how and why.

what comes up must come down
like a busy elevator in building in town
Like when the daylight burns into darkness
Like the sunshine for turning to stars.

what comes up must come down
like a child wishing a coin to drown
like growing older for having to age
like the temperature on a gauge.

what goes up must come down
like a tired king, bedding his crown
like a path stretched across a hill
like the ocean tides that won’t stay still

what goes up must come down
Like how gravity to all things are bound
like a child playing on a swing
like a spider spun up on a string

What comes up must so come down
Like the volume with a sound
Like a flower grows from the ground

What goes up must so come down

by mans mind his choices known
by his hands his good deeds sown

while spirit and body wage eternal war upon each day
evolution’s design flaw becomes societal score to repay

duality’s paradox, is morality’s origin of battle
achieving oneness is how the string’s unraveled

nothing is nothing, will always be something
returning to genesis, faceless mirror’s judge me

linear pathway of fate, ascending to immortal infinity
Third-eye’s foresight, ingnited my Holy Trinity

Exhistientialism, Christianity- Philosophy
Essence of entity that govern all thing’s properties.

Corruptions scar dealt of punishable sin
Satin my demon, damnation’s last hymn

God as Universe, the Creator of consciousness
Logic and ration always driver, for life’s compass

any objects known to be, composed of particles,
theory we only approximate, it’s quantum tangles

The multitude calming, Spirit renew you
essence a bright light, wings of freedom up i flew

build up by blocks, shapes of e8 lattice
atomic masses, Geometric shapes made us

government taxed mentality, media driven fake facade
political sanctioned tyranny, rules they add sure they betrayed

Final feeling weightless, hangs throughout this place
Anti-gravity, no spinning hands, when time can’t tick on a face.

deterministic factors, that change with nature
protons-neutrons-electrons, atoms make my core

for all we don’t know, about quantum physics
there’s a lot more we do know, despite the critics

You asked me why I love you
But I didn’t want to tell.
Some of my reasons are silly
But this is why I fell.
I love the way the corners of your lips curve
when I make you smile.
It makes me want to pull you close
and kiss you for a while.
I love how you hold me when I’m feeling sad
When you’re gone through the week,
I miss you so much, it’s bad.
I love that you don’t judge me
for the imperfect parts of my self.
I value that more than any amount of wealth.
There’s so many more reasons
but I’ll leave it at just these few.
Maybe one day I’ll read this poem to you.

I’m dying inside
locked down in hell.
All these confessions
but who do I tell?

I can’t complain
because I’ve been forsaken.
I just want some peace and
replace all the Devil’s taken.

I could see doctors, be given a pill.
But I can’t help but wonder
would that even help me feel?

Now I’m sure it’s my fate
and struggle to stay alive.
Here I am a deathrow inmate.

Heres a quick draft of a suicide letter.
I promise in the next life, I’ll try like hell to feel better. Life has been unkind to me and it’s too much goddamn pressure.

All I had is gone, praise to God with no relief as I gave all I had to offer.I laid my pride down at the alter. Drowning in the undertow, can’t keep my head above water.

Taking all I am inside, time to meet my maker.
The life just pours right out of me, drug under by the reaper.

The peace I’ve found clouds up my head, life fading getting sweeter the end is coming over me, time to fall back to nature.

It’s like looking at God.
When you don’t even know who that is.
It’s like feeling the best you’ve ever felt.
Like walking around heaven in total bliss.

It’s like being the best you’ve ever been.
It’s everything you’ve ever searched for.
It takes your whole world and makes it spin.

It’s like pain just fades into nothing.
When all seems lost it becomes your savior.
Like you can breath and that’s something.

It’s like finding a cure that will never fail.
Eventually draining you every cent you own.
It takes you over and turns your life to hell.

Heroin masks itself to seem perfect.
Giving you a reason to finally live again.
It the end what it cost is not worth it.

Welcome to my shit show.
Where you’ll see my mind let go.
Sit down and you’ll see a good show.
Learn things about me you didn’t know.

First I’ll tell you of my life.
Well let’s just say it’s not been nice.
I cut my heart out with love’s knife.
Then sewed myself up to survive.

Next I found a little pill.
I found it numbed and made me feel.
My mind it took and tried to kill.
My sanity it came to steal.

After that I found I didn’t care.
For the real me was no longer there.
The waves of calm were all too fair.
Functional without a thought to share.

Finally I found a path to clean.
Addiction wasn’t really my scene.
My life had been marked since I was a teen.
With this monster that didn’t seem that mean.

Now I live and don’t forget.
This life’s the only one I’ll get.
That struggle was the hardest I’ve met.
But I’ll keep fighting it with all my breath.

to be profound
means to be designed upside down.
you mind it runs round and round
as your logic begins to compound

what is it to be a system of operation
it makes you circle a magnetic field in action
reality speeds and resonates in duration
what an ethereal sense of our habitation

time still remains more taken than lived in
A weakened heart a product of my human condition
driving our action with cultured traditions
forces move forward, result of precondition

so what does that make our own evolution
if not driven mad by lack of sleep, I’d enlighten
comprehend while your ideas justflatten
reducing operations to the value of eigen

perception that nothing will become something
make our choices without logic or reasoning
as thought depersonalizes and choice weakening

what about the theory of the multiverse?
can reality force itself to even intersperse?
the thought of wondering just feels perverse
it makes biodiversity find indoctrine devolve and coerce

feel like I’ve become lost in my mind
why has my life been such a waste of my time?
but what is time really, but the thing that makes us alive?
the only thing now is just hope to survive.

how many times have I been here before?
i just want a one chance from the keeper of score.
everyday I stay jailed in my head.
if I’m my only way out, I think I’d rather be dead.

all of the blood, and the sorrow and pain
I fight for my life, leaving nothing to gain.
still I push forward, praying wake from this dream
since I was born, internal war stays the theme.

will I always hang on this ledge?
will my battle define my dying pledge?
I have no more strength, I succumb to my darkness.
my light fades out fast, with a peaceful harshness.

A nescient darkness,
From the moment I start this,
I promise my words are harmless.
Derived from my lack smartness,
Spoken with a prickly sharpness,
Feels mindless or maybe lifeless,
While falling victim to my own conscious.
But nevermind this, Words carefree, monstrous.
Opinions I’ll abolish, unity I’ll demolish.

I beg for closure,
from my own exposure,
the power ruling a world grown colder.
I refuse to be a poser, words louder and bolder,
I’m the devil, bringing societal closure.
Never asked to become a recruited soldier.
Losing composure, watching humanity cross over.
But at least I’ll be sober, still a political anti-polar
Protagony sat atop my shoulder. It’s over.

This is my last moment to reflect
because I actively choose to object,
I’m just another for this world to reject.
Trying to correct my intellect.
Taking my voice and self-respect.
If I could resurrect and reconnect
id be less indirect, what’d they really expect?
be sure to speak louder on the subject
and make them reflect on their disrespect
Not even in death can they expect me to blindly ACCEPT.

how do you say just how you feel
when you float through life like it isn’t even real?

how do you know when enough is enough?
when every day is getting more rough.

why do you pray to some god above?
hoping he’ll hear you and send down some love.

how do you stop all the pain inside?
when you can’t see the truth for selfish pride.

why do you keep hope, as if things might change?
when you’re real with yourself it just feels strange.

how do you fix all the problems you’ve made?
trading the devil your soul to feel less afraid.

why can’t you wake up and accept your guilt?
after all, this is the world you built, your fate fulfilled.

when do you wake up, see it’s all a big dream?
is there nothing better than filling the space in between?

when does it end, this human condition?
why can’t I survive it, without drug addiction?

up is down as down draws near
love and hate but both we fear
in is out as life is death
of good or bad until our dying breath
right is wrong as day is night
mind is body entangled tight
peace is war like happy is sad
no is yes like sane is mad.
take is give as big is small
we’re all here one part of the whole
slow is fast and fast don’t last
it’s one in the same like present is past
open is close just as far is near
this also means right is left must adhere
hot is cold like fire is ice
we all will die from truth as lies