Dear Papaw

Dear Papaw, Life is hard since you died, I’m just trying to make it through. You taught me so much growing up, I just want to say thank you. You showed me my wings and then I flew.

Getting by without you is like living a bad dream, I wish I could wake up. I can’t cope with how it broke me, it took you from me and I took that so tough. I gtry to see the good in my days, but there never seems to be enough.

I was still a little girl when the diagnosis lessened life’s quality. Multiple Sclerosis took a toll on our whole family. It diminished health and stole you away so quickly. It destroyed my entire mentality.

Paralysis took control of your body, but you always put on a smile and bravely fought. You kept your kind heart and never lost your faith in God. The things you went threw, made my stomach knot.

Even though I was a child, I knew it was an illness that wasn’t curable.You taught me to always see the good and be grateful. Life has been cruel since you passed, and so painful. You’re illness showed that life is so fragile. I couldn’t find my way through if you wasn’t my guardian angel.

I remember you driving me up and down the hall on your scooter. I even remember you and I playing Outlaws on your desktop computer. I was so attached, I’d never known a love that was truer.

“Doodle” was what you called me since I could crawl. Sitting in your lap cranking the window open and closed was a ball. Old western movies and popcorn was our favorite thing of all. Sometimes we’d even work a puzzle or draw.

Eventually you got worse and become bed ridden.
I’d crawl in beside you, and we’d watch NBA on television. You’d sneak us the big black licorice jelly beans, we made it our special tradition. When I was upset you’d hand me a few and say they were our medicine. When I got older, I’d even help check your sugar and give you your insulin.

I’m still trying to be someone you will be proud of.
I know somewhere deep down you’re watching over all of us from above. You showed me what it’s like to feel unconditional love. You made sure I always knew I was enough.

I still dream of being just like you. But I realized, I should be me, which is okay too. The little things are almost too much for me to get through. I give up in anger and just come unglued. I wish I knew all the things you once knew.

You lived with the burden of paralysis and disease. And somehow you never let it take your peace. You knew with each passing day, your life held no guarantees. Fifteen long years you held onto your beliefs.

I wish we would have had so much more time with each other. Without you I feel so alone and so much colder. I wish I knew how to find my own closure. Wanting just one more conversation with you weighs heavy on my shoulder. It gotten much harder each year I get older.

You brought out all the good inside of me. You knew exactly who I was meant to be. You opened my eyes and taught me to truly see. You inspired me, unlocked my heart and set my spirit free.

I wish you’d never had a terminal diagnosis. It took over with the most unfair and cruel slowness. You were just gone without even a notice. You were stolen from me and now I hate Multiple Sclerosis.